I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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