I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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