if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
