sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
