Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
