Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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