They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
