whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
