I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
