On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You may now shotgun with the bride
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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