Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
