jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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