12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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