Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
