i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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