i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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