The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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