My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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