I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
