My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
