Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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