My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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