I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My ATM looks so different sober.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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