it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Two words: nipple clamps
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