half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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