I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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