Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
