Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
