I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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