This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
