The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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