I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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