I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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