i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
