Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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