Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
