how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
