I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
