I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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