I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Alive.
So much puke
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
