Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
