I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
