I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
