I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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