Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
