So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Small penises have feelings too.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
