you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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