I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
