It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
