I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
